It started as an accident
by Lil-Mistress-Quill
Summary: When the Cullen's leave, Bella has a little accident that causes her to spiral down a very dark path. She has no idea if the Cullen's, if Edward, will ever return but if and when they do, will they even recognise the little human girl they left behind? **This story deals with mental illness and mentions self harming which may be triggering to some** This is an eventual BxE story
1. Chapter 1

Chapter One

It started as an accident. Or an accidentally on purpose accident to be more precise. Regardless of how it started, I never meant for it to turn into this. To spiral into this addiction. I can't seem to go a day without a fix now, I ache for the numbness, I crave the deep, dark empty blackness that it causes. If I wasn't broken before I am now. I am shattered, smashed into a thousand tiny pieces. Just like the broken picture frame that started all of this.

I still have that first shard. That first piece of sharp, jagged glass that dug its way into my skin and dragged my down this path.

I still remember the pain. Intense, sharp, a burning fire across my arm as I pulled the glass out.

But mostly I remember the numbness that followed. Not physical numbness, god no, that cut stung like a mother for hours. I mean the mental numbness. It was like someone threw a thick dark blanket over my brain and for the first time in months I felt peace.

I watched as a steady stream of blood rushed from the wound and slowly began dripping onto the carpet, staining it red.

Of course, the peace didn't last. An intense wave of shame crashed over me making my face burn as hot as my wounded arm. I launched the glass across the room, disgusted in it and in myself.

Before I could dwell any longer on what an idiotic mess I was becoming I clamped a hand down on the offending wound and rushed down to the kitchen where I knew Charlie stashed the first aid kit.

A little while later and I was bandaged up and all the evidence of my little lapse in common sense erased.

Well, not all.

* * *

Bella smiled to herself as she caressed the shard of glass that started this downward spiral all those months ago. Six to be exact if the number of scars along her forearm were correct; one for each month she survived this hell people dared call a life.

In the beginning, she worried that people would notice. That she would be locked up, forced to swallow pills or god forbid, take counselling sessions but nobody noticed, nobody even cared. Everyone she thought cared about her had packed up and left to protect her, keep her safe. Idiots, she scoffed.

They were so convinced that they were the dangerous monsters, turns out they ended up leaving her alone with the most dangerous monster of all; herself.

Just as Bella was bringing the glass to her already marred arm a high-pitched chime filled the room, distracting her and forcing her to put down the shard. With a sigh she grabbed her phone and loaded the message:

 ** _Woke up and realised it's the 7_** ** _th_** ** _._**

 ** _Thought I'd check in._**

 ** _You done it yet?_**

 ** _\- T_**

Bella smiled gently as she typed out a reply.

 ** _Glad you're still breathing._**

 ** _I was just about to but someone interrupted me!_**

 ** _\- B_**

She waited a few seconds for the reply to come through. Sure enough, 30 seconds later her phone chimed again with the oh so familiar response.

 ** _Oops._**

 ** _#SorryNotSorry_**

 ** _\- T_**

 ** _That's ok._**

 ** _Wasn't really feeling it anyway._**

 ** _Not enough mood lighting._**

 ** _\- B_**

 ** _Ooo you need candles, and bubbles!_**

 ** _Oh and some soft jazz music in the background!_**

 ** _\- T_**

Bella couldn't stop the laugh that burst from her as she replied.

 ** _Of course!_**

 ** _And get into the most ridiculously uncomfortable slinky Pj's,_**

 ** _draw the curtains,_**

 ** _fan out on a fur rug…_**

 ** _\- B_**

 ** _Faux fur bitch!_**

 ** _So right though, I guess today is not the day._**

 ** _Gotta have some class for yo Glass!_**

 ** _\- T_**

 ** _Don't ever say that again!_**

 ** _But thanks T._**

 ** _\- B_**

 ** _Is it safe to leave you?_**

 ** _I have therapy in 30mins and I need to paint on my Sunshine and Rainbows face._**

 ** _\- T_**

 ** _I'm fine, glass is away, arms are clear._**

 ** _Oo sounds fun I'm devastated I can't be with you!_**

 ** _\- B_**

 ** _I know right!_**

 ** _I can't believe you don't want to spend an hour with me learning about how beautiful the world is and how lucky we are to be alive!_**

 ** _\- T_**

 ** _Totally missing out!_**

 ** _Next time though!_**

 ** _\- B_**

 ** _It's a date!_**

 ** _Got to go._**

 ** _Keep breathing._**

 ** _\- T_**

 ** _Always._**

 ** _Check in later._**

 ** _Keep breathing._**

 ** _\- B_**

 ** _Always_**

 ** _\- T_**

Bella placed the phone down and picked up the discarded glass shard.

"Not today" she whispered as she tucked it back into the hiding spot under her mattress.

The texting had become a routine that started four months ago when Bella joined an anonymous chat room for self-harmers. Of course, she nearly deleted the whole account when she got sick to her back teeth of all the do-gooders trying to make the poor depressed people feel like life was happy and sweet and lovely. Urgh! But then one day she received a message that wasn't dripping in sweetness. It simply said;

 ** _Keep Breathing_**

 ** _\- T_**

To which Bella had replied;

 ** _Always_**

 ** _\- B_**

From there the two girls, and Bella knew T was a girl as when questioned about it she had sent a picture of her voluptuous chest to Bella with the words **_Keep Breathing_** written in Sharpi across her breasts, became fast friends.

They spoke in detail about their struggles with self-harming and from there they made a pact that they would message each other on their _Cut_ days to check the other was still alive and to either provide a distraction to stop the cutting or be a hand to pull the other out of the sea of shame and guilt that they would feel if the cutting did occur.

Since finding T, Bella had felt lighter, less alone. Sure she still cut, they both did, but she no longer felt the uncontrollable burning desire to cut every day. Progress at least.

Deciding that she needed to get out of the house, Bella dragged herself off the floor and got dressed for a run; a new hobby of hers suggested by T.

At first she was completely against it and refused to even try running but T messaged every day, what felt like hundreds of times, for two weeks until Bella agreed to give it ago. She even sent a video of her sneaker clad feet pounding the pavement as proof.

The first few times Bella swore she was dying and promised pain and torture to T via messages. But after a couple of weeks she began to enjoy her runs. She had even invested in a new iPod and running earphones and now she would run any time she needed to escape; like now.

After grabbing a bottle of water from the fridge and leaving a note for Charlie, Bella headed out. She had no direction in mind and instead just chose to let her feet and the music guide her.

* * *

A/N Hello! This is a little trial chapter for a story I have had in mind for a while. If you like what you have read so far then leave me a review so I know to post more!


	2. Chapter 2

Between the steady rhythm of her feet hitting the ground and the pulse of the music in her ears, time flew by around her and Bella barely noticed as afternoon started turning to evening.

Twilight. Her favourite time of day, when the world began to quieten down and the air became slightly crisp.

Bella collapsed in a sweaty heap when she reached the clearing in the woods.

When her racing heart slowed to a somewhat normal pace and her breathing evened out Bella decided to take notice of her surroundings and groaned. The meadow. She had unconsciously run to the meadow.

It had taken her slightly longer than she expected to recover from her run and the sun was beginning to set, setting fire to the evening sky. She stood and stretched out her aching muscles, taking in the view around her. That's when she spotted it.

The red gaze from within the trees staring straight at her.

Something moved to her left and she jumped, casting her gaze towards the noise.

When she looked back the red eyes were gone.

With her heart thundering away in her chest, Bella grabbed her bottle and headphones and spun around to leave but came face to face with the owner of the fiery red eyes.

Her belongings slipped from her trembling fingers and she threw herself backwards almost losing her balance.

"Bella"

"Laurent" she replied quietly.

"I didn't expect to find you here. I came to visit the Cullen's, but the house was empty. I'm surprised they left you behind. Aren't you some sort of a pet of theirs?" Laurent asked as he began circling her.

Bella repressed a cringe at the word pet. In a way that was how she felt, like a dog they had abandoned at the side of the road.

"Something like that" she whispered.

Laurent nodded slowly before speaking again. "Do the Cullen's visit often?"

"All the time" Bella replied quickly. She watched the smile creep across the vampire's face. He knew she was lying. "I'll tell them you stopped by. Though I probably shouldn't tell…Edward, he's pretty protective" Bella began slowly stepping backwards towards the path.

"But he's far away isn't he" he said with a smirk.

In that moment Bella knew she was dead. Laurent knew she was alone and he was going to kill her.

"Why are you here Laurent?"

Laurent began circling her again, like a tiger circling its prey waiting for the right moment to pounce.

"I came as a favour to Victoria. She asked me to see if you were still under the protection of the Cullen's. She feels it's only fair to kill Edwards mate since he killed hers. An eye for an eye…"

"Edward would know who did it. He will come after you, all the Cullen's will"

He was right behind her now and Bella shuddered as he swept her hair aside and leaned in to whisper in her ear.

"I don't think he will. After all, how much could you mean to him, if he left you here, unprotected?"

Laurent pressed his face against her neck and Bella felt her heart stop for a moment.

"Victoria won't be happy about my killing you. But I can't help myself. You are so mouth-watering"

Bella shivered as she felt his icy tongue against her skin.

"Please don't. You helped us!" she pleaded.

Laurent slid his arm around her waist and pulled her flush against him as he used his free hand to tilt her head to the side.

"Don't be afraid, I'm doing you a kindness. Victoria plans on killing you slowly, painfully, whereas I'll make it quick. I promise, you will feel nothing"

Bella closed her eyes as she felt him slide his lips down to where her neck and shoulder joined. This was it. Death was coming. She felt his lips pull back and the briefest contact of his sharp teeth across her skin before they were both startled by the very large wolf infront of them.

"It's not possible" Laurent whispered as he stepped back, dragging her with him.

Another wolf dived towards the pair and Laurent pulled away catching her sleeve as he did and tearing it clean away. The force jolted her arm painfully and she felt a searing, burning sensation in her elbow. She was thrown to the ground and the air knocked out of her.

"Bella!"

"Jake?" Bella struggled to sit up and in the end a shirtless Jacob lifted her into his arms and began running through the woods towards the road.

"I don't understand, Jacob what is going on?"

"It's ok Bells, your safe that is all that matters right now. I need to get you home"

They made it to the road where Bella found herself being strapped into a car she didn't recognise.

"Whose car is this?" she asked as Jacob got himself situated behind the wheel.

"It's Sam's. Let me look at your arm Bells"

Bella was about to show him but then she remembered that her sleeve had been ripped away and she was very aware of the scars marring her skin. She tucked the appendage further into her stomach to hide the marks, afraid of his reaction.

"My arm is fine Jake don't worry. I want to know what just happened."

"We can talk about it later, just show me your arm I need to make sure it's not broken" He said as he reached for her arm. Bella leaned as far away from him as her seatbelt would allow.

"I said its fine. Just take me home or tell me what just happened. Where did those wolves come from? Why were you in the woods? Why do you have Sam's car? Were you following me?"

Jacob ignored her questions and instead snatched her arm and held it tightly pulling it into the light.

She watched the exact moment that he realised what the marks on her arm meant. She watched the emotions flash across his face. Shock, anger, fear, concern. Before he seemed to settle on the one she dreaded most; disgust.

"What the hell Bella?"

"Let go of my arm Jake" she tried unsuccessfully to pull her arm out of his grip but he held tighter.

"Not until you tell me what you're playing at! Are you really that stupid? Or that pathetic? So what Bella, you precious freak leaves and now you do this? Are you that desperate for attention? Answer me!" Jacob was in her face now, screaming at her and Bella felt the terror rising.

"Let go Jacob, let go!"

"Does Charlie know?"

"No, no one knows. Please Jacob, just forget it I'm getting better just let me go I won't do it anymore" she pleaded with him.

After a moment of silence Jacob released her arm and started the car.

The journey to her house was filled with silence and thick tension. When they pulled up behind Charlies cruiser Jacob unbuckled his seatbelt and opened his door.

"Jake? What are you doing?"

"I'm telling Charlie. Get out of the car Bella" She flinched as he slammed the door but made no move to get out of the car. A moment later her door was flung open and Jacob was right there unbuckling her belt.

"Get out of the car Bella"

Bella shook her head, her throat tight as tears began falling down her face.

"Damn it Bella get out of the car!" Jacob yelled and slammed his hand against the door frame but still Bella remained seated.

"Fine" Bella yelped as Jacob took hold of her arm and physically dragged her from the car.

"Either walk inside or I will drag you but one way or another I am telling Charlie"

Bella began sobbing at that point, fear, pain, guilt and humiliation crashing over her, suffocating her.

She collapsed into a heap on the floor but Jacob continued to yell at her and drag her forward, but she couldn't hear his words.

"What the hell is going on? Let go of my daughter right now!"

"Charlie I need to…"

"What you need to do Jacob is let go of her before I make you let go" Bella looked up as Charlie stormed down the porch steps and towards Jacob who still had her arm in a vice like grip.

"Charlie…"

Jacob never got to finish what he wanted to say before the loud click of the safety being taken off a gun cut through the night. Bella watched as Charlie lifted the gun and pointed it straight towards Jacob.

"I won't ask again. Let go of my daughter right now."

Jacob did let go, finally and Bella whimpered as her injured arm was released.

"Now get in your car and drive away and don't ever show your face around here"

Jacob hesitated and Charlie fired the gun into the air causing the teen to jump into the car and high tail it away from the property.

When the car was out of sight Charlie put the safety back on and tucked the gun back into his holster before bending down to his daughter.

"Bells?"

"Dad, please" she sobbed and the sound broke the old man's heart.

"Okay, here we go" He whispered as he lifted his surprisingly light daughter into his arms.

He had planned to deposit her straight into bed and let go but instead she clung to him so hard that he decided to sit on the sofa and just hold her until she was ready to let go.

He sat for what felt like hours just holding his baby girl, saying nothing. Eventually she began to relax and Charlie started to let go.

"Don't. Please. Don't leave me"

Her words tore at his heart and he once again tightened his arms around her.

"I'm not going anywhere Bells. Ever. But you need to tell me what is going on and why I almost had to shoot Billy's dumbass kid"

"Promise you won't send me away"

Charlie looked down at his daughter, her eyes so full of pain.

"Bells I'd never send you anywhere you didn't want to go but you've got to tell me what's going on."

He watched as a fresh set of tears began falling and instead of speaking she pulled her arm away from her body and let him see.

"Oh, baby girl" his whispered words seemed to send her into hysterics and she clung to him harder than ever. Charlie wrapped her in a tight embrace and let her cry herself out. "I've got you. It's all going to be ok" he whispered.

* * *

A short time later and Bella was sleeping on the sofa, Charlie however was stood in the kitchen watching his daughter.

How could he have been so blind? How did he not notice this before now? What kind of father lets this happen to his daughter?

Charlie swiped a hand over his face and sighed. He needed help. His baby girl needed help.

With that thought in mind he snatched up his phone and dialled the number he swore he would never use.

"Hey, it's me. I know I said I wouldn't use this number but you said to call if Bella was ever in trouble."

…

"Yeah it's bad, that's why I'm calling. She needs you. I'm losing her. We are losing her"

…

"Alright."

…

"And Carlisle…please hurry"

* * *

A/N Thoughts? Jacob reacted pretty much the same way that a friend reacted with me when they found out I had been self harming a few years ago. I guess fear and anger make people react in ways they never thought they would. Let me know your thoughts.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three

Something cold was touching her face; correction, something ice cold was touching her face.

Bella began to rouse from the deep slumber she had fallen into the previous night.

As she stirred the cold pressure pulled away from her head and moved down to her arm. Her arm!

Bella awoke rather abruptly and snatched her arm away from the icy presence.

As her eyes focused her gaze landed, and latched onto a pair of golden eyes.

Her heart stopped for a moment as she took in the vampire's features, ice blonde hair, golden gaze, soft smile, shirt neatly ironed; Carlisle.

With no hesitation, she flung herself at the centuries old vampire that had started to become a second father to her and she clung to him like her life depended on it.

Carlisle reciprocated just as eagerly, his arms wrapping around Bella's tiny frame; one hand coming up to stroke her hair as she began to sob.

Bella was aware that Carlisle was whispering words meant to soothe but all she could concentrate on was the feel of the icy embrace that began warming her heart.

"How? Why?" she sobbed.

Carlisle gently pulled her away just enough to place a tender kiss on her forehead. He wiped her tears away before answering.

"I left Charlie with an emergency number and told him to call if you were ever in trouble or seriously hurt. He called me last night and I drove straight here"

Bella was stunned and confused. "I thought you didn't care. You left, without saying goodbye. Why would you bother to leave a number if you wanted to get away from me"

Carlisle frowned.

"Bella, I never wanted to 'get away from you' as you put it. I left because my son asked me too. I may physically be a monster but my children mean the world to me and I will do whatever I can to make them happy. With that being said, a part of my heart was stolen the moment my son brought home this tiny, clumsy, stubborn human girl. Believe me Bella when I say that leaving you here was one of the hardest decisions I have had to make in many, many decades, the only way I could stomach the thought was knowing that you were not alone, that you have your father here. I gave him that number because I needed to know that if you needed me I could be contacted. I love all of my children Bella, included the one special child whose heart still beats"

Bella once again threw her arms around the vampire's neck, her tears tumbling down her face and soaking his shirt.

"I'm sorry" she whispered.

"We will get through this together. It won't be easy but I am here for as long as you need me. Charlie has given me permission to ask you to move in with me so I can look after you better. It's your choice though Bella, whatever you need, at your own pace"

Bella pulled back and swiped her cheeks free of tears.

"Just us?" she asked quietly.

"No. There is someone at the house waiting for you but before you ask they specifically requested I not tell you who it is"

Bella stood and paced the room, her mind whirling. On the one hand she could move in with Carlisle, get better, maybe even see the rest of the Cullen's; Edward. But on the other hand, this was the family that so easily abandoned her. Then there was the issue of relapse. If she cut again in their house they would be back at square one. Her vampiric family would be forced to move yet again. To accept the offer would be selfish. Besides, what would they think when they found out about her little habit. Surely, they would be disgusted in her, furious that she had allowed herself to be so weak, pathetic even.

Part of her argued; the Cullen's would never be disgusted by her, they were like family. But then again so was Jacob and he thought…No! She wouldn't think about it, if she did she wasn't sure she could resist the temptation, the need to carve the freak out of herself.

"Carlisle, I can't. I need time, I need…I just, I'm not ready"

Carlisle nodded slowly and rose to his feet. He placed a gentle hand on her shoulder and pulled her into a soft embrace.

"I understand. But if you change your mind, you know where to find me"

Bella looked up in surprise. "You're not leaving?"

"I will never leave one of my children to suffer alone" He kissed her on the top of her head and moved towards the door but paused briefly.

"Bella, whatever you believe we will think of you, know that you will never be anything but my daughter, granted not by blood, but I love you just the same as I do Alice and Rosalie. Please Bella, do not suffer in silence anymore, I am here for you. Take whatever time you need but know that I will wait an eternity, my love is timeless"

Bella felt her eyes well up "Carlisle…"

"Get some rest Bella. Come find me when you are ready"

As the door closed Bella felt all of the air leave her and she collapsed to the floor, loud uncontrollable sobs ripping their way through her throat.

All of the pain she felt inside began suffocating her, crushing her under its weight as she crawled on her hands and knees, dragging herself up the stairs and into her bedroom where she clawed at the ground. A primal, raw scream ripped from the deepest part of her soul as she slammed her fists into the carpet oblivious to the damage she was causing to herself.

Her body shook, she felt like she had been bathed in ice yet sweat began trickling down her spine.

She caught a glimpse of herself in her vanity mirror and in a surge of rage she ran towards the offending piece of furniture and snatched it up before hurtling it against the wall. Every item on the vanity found a new home on her floor as she swept her arms angrily across the surface. Pieces of her heart shattering just like the vase she threw across the room as yet another scream tore its way through her.

She stumbled her way towards the bed, tears blinding her, broken shards of mirror and ornaments digging into her skin as she collapsed against the foot of her bed.

With hands shaking and numb she reached under the mattress and pulled out her salvation.

The shard of glass was cool in her hand as she blindly pressed it's sharp edge against her skin.

Bella welcomed the intense burn as her arm was once again opened, as her skin was ripped apart the way her heart had been all those months ago.

The pain in her chest was too intense, too sharp, she needed to be numb.

Again, the glass slid across her arm, deeper this time, deeper than ever before and Bella dropped the shard as an intense wave of nausea slammed into her. She collapsed to the ground, her body exhausted, wracked with tremors so intense she had to clench her jaw to stop herself from biting her tongue.

Her arm bled freely, the sticky warm liquid sliding across her destroyed flesh and onto the ground below.

Seeing her blood run made the sobs return, her tears flowed so fast she feared she would drown.

In that moment, lying on her back in her room, surrounded by destruction as her blood seeped into the carpet Bella prayed for death. Just for one moment she wished she could close her eyes and never wake up. As her fingers once again found her glass shard, for one moment she imagined how easy it would be to take that final step, to slice just that little bit lower, that little bit deeper.

She thought about how quiet the world would become as her body bled out, as her shattered heart stopped its painful beating. How easily she could slip away as her aching lungs no longer drew in any air. How peaceful she would feel as her eyes closed one final time. For one moment Bella died.

But a moment never lasts forever.

The tears began to stop and the internal pain was once again battered into submission by the stinging, burning agony radiating from her torn arm.

Slowly Bella sat up, the nausea once again returning with a vengeance.

Faster than she thought herself capable of, she ran to the bathroom and threw herself to the ground infront of the toilet just as her body rebelled.

Bella wretched and vomited for what felt like hours and when only bile was coming up she sat back and flushed the disgusting substance away.

Her head throbbed, her throat burned and her arm stung. Bella was a mess.

Without allowing herself a second to reconsider she shakily made her way out of the bathroom and down the stairs. Grabbing nothing but her keys, not even stopping to put on shoes, she left the house and stumbled to her truck.

She knew she shouldn't drive, that she should call someone instead, that she should go back inside, clean her room and hide the evidence of her failure. Instead she put the key in the ignition and set off.

In a cruel twist of fate a mere ten minutes away from her destination, her truck came to a shuddering stop and refused to go any further.

Bella felt tears of frustration slide down her face, stinging the raw skin there.

She climbed out and began walking the rest of the way. Cold, shoeless and her arm still bleeding freely Bella stumbled and fell just as the heavens opened and within seconds she was soaked.

Bella tilted her head back and let the rain wash over her face.

"Is this my punishment for being so weak? Is this funny to you? Are you happy now?" she screamed to the sky.

She climbed to her feet and continued her journey. The dizziness began intensifying and the world spun around her. Bella closed her eyes, this was a path she had travelled a hundred times and she didn't need to see to know the way.

She climbed the wooden steps on trembling legs and collapsed in a heap on the porch, her back against the wall, her body too weak to carry her any further.

"Please, help me" she whispered as unconsciousness threatened to take hold.

"Bella?"

She knew that voice.

"Carlisle!" the voice yelled. Someone lifted her off the ground and carried her out of the rain.

The blackness was coming faster now and Bella knew she couldn't fight it anymore.

"Hold on darlin'"

A wave of calm washed over her and instead of drowning in the suffocating blackness, Bella felt herself drift off into a peaceful sleep.

* * *

A/N So this chapter took so long to write because I wanted you to really feel what Bella was feeling in that moment. It was tough to write from that perspective and remain untriggered but this is such an important moment in this story, in Bella's life, in any self harmer's life; its the moment you have to choose whether to live or die and it's a raw, painful powerful moment that unfortunately not all of us come out of.

Let me know what you think and thank you so much to everyone that has taken the time to review and leave such sweet words and supportive statements. I cried tears of happiness when I saw so many people offering up support and kindness to a complete stranger. So from every part of my heart; thank you.


	4. Chapter 4

***Carlisle POV***

I have always prided myself on being a patient and understanding man. I often describe myself as a good doctor, a great husband and an even better father; my family is my whole world, my very reason for existing.

Yet I have never felt like such a failure as I do in this very moment.

Isabella Swan.

I could never have predicted that such a sweet, fragile young human would impact my family in such a way as she did.

To hear my first son laugh, to see him truly smile for the first time in his entire afterlife, meant more to me than this sweet little human could ever know.

She gave so much of herself to us, lied for us and yet never once judged our way of living, our existence. She never flinched from us or showed any trace of fear, even after being hunted and hurt by our kind.

All she ever showed us was love.

And yet we left her.

I remember the argument as clear as day when Edward came home and demanded we leave.

As a family we sit and discuss, we never shout and throw around empty threats it simply is not our way, and yet on that night the monsters within came to the surface.

Edward would forever wear the scars from Alice's attack, his heart forever bruised by the disappointment from the woman he called his mother; the way she flinched from his touch, the way she rejected him that night.

I can practically feel the ground shaking as I think back to the rage emanating from my biggest son. It was no secret amongst the family that Emmett loved Bella like a sister. He was so excited, obsessed almost, with the idea of her being his sister forever. He swore to us on multiple occasion that he would let nothing harm her; we should have lead by his example.

My heart breaks when I think back to the way his huge shoulders slumped in defeat, the way his eyes glistened with tears he would never shed, the way he silently left the room; so un-Emmett like as I gave the final word; as I sealed Bella's fate.

And if my heart was broken then it was truly shattered as I watched Jasper, sweet troubled Jasper, sink to his knees, head hung as though awaiting his own execution. Even without his remarkable gift I knew the guilt, the despair that was suffocating him.

A father does not need to be an empath to feel his children's pain.

On that night, our family broke. We separated for the first time in so, so many decades. And whilst we were all hurting, our pain did not even come close to the pain my human daughter was suffering with.

The panicked call of my name snapped me from my thoughts and I sped down the stairs to find a father's worst nightmare; Bella, sweet fragile little Bella looked dead, cradled in my son's arms.

"Upstairs" I could not tell you if I whispered, spoke or shouted, my mind was too busy assessing my daughter.

* * *

***Bella POV ***

Bella was swimming, treading water in the darkness that surrounded her. She felt terrified and yet peaceful at the same time.

She realised that she couldn't feel the temperature of the water, couldn't feel the ripples against her skin; in fact, she couldn't feel anything at all.

Here in this dark void there was no pain, no sadness, no anger; just absolute silence.

Bella stopped swimming and allowed herself to sink a little further into the darkness, felt it pool over her head.

Now she was drowning in the dark, sinking lower and lower. Instead of fighting it she opened her arms to embrace it.

That's when she felt it, the gentle nudging in the centre of her chest. Over and over, never ceasing. The sensation grew until her chest was rocked with the feeling, like someone was pounding on her ribcage.

What was that?

Suddenly the calm darkness felt suffocating, her lungs burned and panic set in.

Fight Bella, screamed a voice in her head.

She felt the bellowed command in the very depths of her soul, in every nerve, every bone.

Bella began swimming against the darkness but gone was the watery substance and instead it felt like she was crawling through tar.

Her chest ached and the pounding pressure started to grow painful and the voice in her head became deafening.

Just as she felt like she couldn't climb any higher, the tar disappeared and she was able to take a breath. One single deep breath.

* * *

The first thing she became aware of as consciousness came flooding back to her was the soft strumming of a guitar from somewhere close by.

The second thing was the way her body felt; as though the incredible hulk had been playing the drums on her torso.

The third was how dry her throat was.

Bella coughed and the strumming stopped. Unfortunately, the coughing didn't.

Suddenly she felt herself being moved into an upright position and a plastic straw pressed against her lips.

She drank the icy water as though she had been living in the desert for months. Within seconds the cup was empty and she felt herself being lowered back down.

Slowly, ever so slowly, Bella opened her eyes.

Her gaze swept the room and came to rest on the strawberry blonde stood at her bedside.

"Jasper?" Her voice came out no louder than a whisper but she knew he heard her in the way he tipped his head.

"Just breathe darlin', you've been out a while it might take some time to get your bearings"

Bella lifted her hand to rub the sleep from her eyes and noticed the bandage, small droplets of blood staining the material. She panicked and shoved her arm under the blanket.

"I'm sorry! Jasper I'm sorry!"

A wave of calm passed over her, slowing the frantic beating of her heart.

"Don't apologise to me please Bella, I am the one who must apologise, only, I can't seem to find the words"

"But the blood, your throat, aren't you in pain?" Bella watched as confusion passed over the Texan vampire's face before realisation struck and he held out is hand. It took a second for her to realise what he wanted and when she did she removed her arm from the blanket without hesitation.

"Bella, I can't smell your blood at all" he said as he began undoing the soiled bandage. When the material was removed Bella couldn't help but cringe at the shredding, inflamed flesh. Jasper noticed her discomfort and quickly redressed the offending wound.

"Carlisle believes he knows why but he is doing some more research. For now, I just want you to know that I am no threat to you, you have no reason to fear me"

Bella grabbed his hand as he went to move away, causing his sad gaze to snap to hers.

"You never scared me before"

"What happened at your party…Bella I can't…I won't ever forgive myself for almost hurting you. Bella this is all my fault"

"I don't blame you, I never have. And this?" Bella gestured towards her bandaged wrist "This is most definitely not your fault"

"Darlin'…you have such a sweet soul. I'm a monster and you won't even allow me to feel like one. I don't deserve it, I don't even deserve to ask but I hope that in time you can learn to trust me fully, to accept me the way you did the others. That in time you may grow to call me a friend."

"Jasper, I won't ever call you my friend" Bella watched the devastation fall across his face but she needed him to hear her. She watched him slowly back away from the bed, his head bowed, his fists clenched.

"I won't ever call you my friend Jasper Whitlock-Cullen because I already call you my family" Bella swung her legs over the edge of her bed and held out her hand beckoning him towards her and slowly he complied.

Jasper stepped towards her and gently took her hand.

"Carlisle says he loves me like a daughter, Esme told me the same. Alice and Emmett consider me their sister and I consider them my siblings. So no, I will never call you my friend because I hope that one day you will call me your sister, as I consider you to be my brother"

Bella watched in disbelief as the strong, powerful empathic vampire knelt before her and rested his head against her knees.

"Bella. I have never felt pain so intense, so crippling as I do from you right now and I have never experienced fear the way I did when I held you in my arms and felt your heart stop. Nor have I ever been so relieved as I was when you finally took a breath. You say I am not at fault for that but I am the reason we left you, the reason you have been alone and although you don't believe it, I am the reason for every ounce of pain you feel. I am not now, nor will I ever be worthy to be your brother, but I swear to you Darlin' that I will do everything in my power to try and be at least a tiny bit deserving of the title"

Bella slid to the floor and wrapped her arms around Jaspers neck and was pleasantly surprised to feel him return the embrace.

"Jasper…" she whispered.

"Yes Darlin'?"

"Please, help me" her voice cracked with the desperate plea and tears once again began to fall, her body wracked with sobs as Jasper cradled her to his chest.

* * *

A/N

Hello to every one of my wonderful, patient readers I am so sorry it has taken so long to update this story but I had to take a break as I am still a sufferer, my depression is still ongoing and I do still get triggered from time to time. I did consider abandoning this story but I decided to continue as this is a story that needs telling. It's not a bright happy tale and although the characters are fictional, the themes within the story, the feelings, the self loathing, self harming, self hating are all real. This kind of thing happens to people every single day and I want to raise awareness through my form of art, my form of creativity.

Let me know what you think

xxx


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